Saudade

There’s no word for the feeling

of nostalgia for a place you’ve

never lived in or seen.

The dictionary fails to label

my intense longing for elsewhere.

My muted cries for someone

to take me away from this alien world

they tell me is my home.

How can one know they don’t belong here,

if belonging here is all they’ve known?

My mind tells me I must be mistaken,

while my heart knows something is wrong.

With all these people around me, am I the imposter,

or the only real boy amongst the wooden crowd?

What could be

Dopamine tank

running on fumes.

Chasing the high

with cramping legs.

Just want to sleep.

To scream, to run away.

To feel everything.

To feel nothing.

My mouth is dry and eyes pixelated.

I know I should be productive.

but weeks pass in blinks,

and years during my second guessing.

A lifetime in hesitation.

Trapped in the purgatory

of what is,

and what could be.

Silent, still

The aftermath of an argument still heats the air between us. Silent, still. Yet hurtling past the point of no return.

Dozens of hurtful words fired, with millions left unsaid. They'll replay endlessly. In my mind at least.

We can no longer part coolly. This ship must crash and burn for us to go our separate ways. Torn apart like gum stuck in tangled hair. Each leaving some residue with the other.

Just give it some time, they said. Maybe take a break. But this break will never heal. The cracks can never be filled. I take a long walk on the beach and keep walking, and walking. Waiting to forget it all.